Over the past several years I’ve devoted a lot of attention to my “Christmas Songs That Don’t Suck” Spotify playlist. The problem is that after hearing Andy Williams sing “The most Wonderful Time of The Year” 35 times or more between Thanksgiving and Christmas, that song starts to suck too. Thus, limiting my playlist to 50 – 60 songs. Oh, I have eclipsed 60 several times but at some point, someone will say, “I hate that song” and just like that, it’s off the list.
This year I reached into the depths of Spotify, perhaps there are some great songs that I don’t hear at the mall? Or at my dentist’s office, or in the veterinarian’s exam room, or the lobby I sat in while the oil was changed… What I have discovered in this endeavor is that the stuff we hear in all those locations might represent the best-of-the-best. Here are a few stinkers I ran into last week, in no particular order.
#1 William Shatner / Feliz Navidad: If you followed the link I’m pretty sure you got a good laugh. I’m imagining the producer that thought this was or even could be a great recording. That makes me laugh too.
#2 Run DMC / Christmas In Hollis: Released in 1987, this song may have been timely but it has not held up well. Honestly, I can’t think of any rap/holiday music that I enjoy but this story of Santa losing his wallet (with $1,000,000 in it) is particularly heinous.
#3 Madonna / Santa Baby: Never mind the fact that this is a totally silly, materialistic and misogynistic song, Madonna sounds like Betty Boop on too many lines of cocaine. It was the 80’s after all. I’m sure they said, “Sing it like Marylin Monroe did” but it’s a bad song and she doesn’t pull it off.
#4 John Denver / Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas: First off, John’s great but this is a bad title. The lyrics are worse and I’m happy to report that this is the first song in my “Songs to slit your wrists by” playlist. Merry Christmas!
#5 Anyone That’s Recorded It / Baby It’s Cold Outside: This rendition is performed by She & Him which is particularly creepy. Why is this song still on the radio?
#6 Mix / Christmas Shoes: A friend recommended this song and it left a stain on my brain. I have no idea why this Christian band thought these lyrics would be uplifting or popular over the holidays. A heartfelt song that makes my STSYWB (see #4) playlist.
#7 Bob Dylan / Must Be Santa: Bob is clearly following Madonna’s lead here but failed to limit himself to just one or two inputs. I’m comforted by the thought that this was only the rehearsal and they got too trashed to complete the final recording. I made that last part up, but it is comforting to think that.
#8 Twisted Sister / Come All Ye Faithful: Wow! If you made the mistake of playing this at your desk during working hours and your boss or co-workers heard it, I’m so sorry.
#9 The Killers / Don’t Shoot Me Santa: If you made it to the end of this video, you may have been the first one. This song is available on Spotify, really!!!
#10 Tiny Tim / Santa Claus Has Got The Aids This Year: True to the title of my post, this is music that should never have been recorded. Note that the title is not a typo.
#11 Barenaked Ladies / Christmastime (Oh Yeah): An awful contribution from otherwise talented performers. I liked these guys back in the 90’s, particularly their witty and insightful lyrics. I can only guess that they were fulfilling a contractual obligation to record a Christmas album thinking no one would ever hear it. Darn that INTERNET!
#12 Gayla Peevy / I want A Hippopotomus For Christmas: This last selection was pulled from my really bad yet highly overplayed list. There are several songs I could have typed in here, grandma getting run over by a reindeer or anything performed by chipmunks for example. In the end the hippo song is my personal “kind of makes me throw-up in my mouth a little” Christmas song.
Hear's to hoping that I made you smile, or at the very least groan a little and feel free to chime in with your worst-of-the-worst. Perhaps someone will craft a fun holiday drinking game with this list? In the end I hope you’re all having a very Merry Christmas. Whew, it’s almost over, time to get back to work. Cheers!